


right in front of me

by rocketsfindplanets



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Lack of Communication, M/M, Mistakes, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-23
Updated: 2018-11-23
Packaged: 2019-08-27 00:18:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16691722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rocketsfindplanets/pseuds/rocketsfindplanets
Summary: "caspar," he finally managed to get out, "you can’t keep doing this to me. it’s not fair."or, the one where oli's in love and caspar isn't.





	right in front of me

**Author's Note:**

> _and i found love where it wasn't supposed to be_  
>  _right in front of me, talk some sense to me_  
>  — i found by amber run

“i wasn’t lying when i said that i loved you.” it came out as no more than a broken whisper, words that oli had thought time and time again, but had never wanted to say out loud.  
  
now that they were out, they seemed to linger in the air, thick, choking him.  
  
“oli...” caspar’s voice was soft. so soft, and he sounded so genuinely upset.  
  
he sounded like he actually _cared_ , like he didn’t want to hurt oli. that was, perhaps, the worst part. to think caspar could sound so fond and protective while he so casually broke oli’s heart.  
  
“caspar, you don’t have to say anything,” oli said, a desperate attempt to stop a horrible conversation before it began. caspar ruined everything, though, and they’d both had a little bit to drink, so of course, of course it wasn’t that easy.  
  
“i want to, though. i don’t want you to be sad. c’mon, buddy.”  
  
_buddy_. as much as a thing as it was for them, hearing the moniker just stung. because yeah, he was caspar’s buddy, nothing more. and he never would be anything more, and god, he was such an idiot for ever even thinking to tell caspar how he felt.  
  
“i’m not... sad,” oli assured him, which was at least partially true. it was probably about as good as he was going to get.  
  
“good,” caspar said, wrapping his arms around oli and resting his head on oli’s shoulder.  
  
it made oli’s heart skip a beat— two, even— which was so _dumb_ , because they did this shit all the time. but it was different when it wasn’t on camera, wasn’t it?  
  
they were supposed to act a certain way when they were filming, because it was a part of who they were. it was a part of why their subscribers continued to click each and every video with the two of them.  
  
but it wasn’t just them. it was joe, it was josh, it was caspar and whoever the hell he was out with. it was most _certainly_ not just something reserved for oli, no matter what he would like to think.  
  
“caspar,” he finally managed to get out, “you can’t keep doing this to me. it’s not fair.”  
  
caspar sat up straight and looked oli in the eye for a moment, or at least until oli looked away.  
  
“i’m sorry,” caspar said, and oli knew he meant it.  
  
“s’okay. it’s... it’s not your fault. i shouldn’t have said anything to you in the first place, i knew...”

he couldn’t bring himself to continue. (he shouldn’t have said anything in the first place when he knew caspar didn’t feel the same way, oli thought.) he pretty much just wanted to disappear at that point, because caspar was still sitting awfully close, and as much as he absolutely hated it, he could feel tears beginning to prick at his eyes.

caspar looked guilty as fuck, and oli hated that. it wasn’t his fault oli had these feelings. it wasn’t his fault oli wanted something he couldn’t have.

“you knew what?” caspar asked softly, and oli knew immediately that he couldn’t answer. he just shook his head and stood up.

“come on, cas, we have videos to film,” oli said, because he really needed caspar to finish up and get out. “that _is_ why you came over, remember?”

there was a long moment where nothing happened, but eventually caspar stood up, too, walking over to where oli was by the door. “yeah,” he agreed. “but…”

“but what?” it came out too harsh, and oli had to bite back an immediate apology.

this was so, so stupid, because they were such good friends, and they really did need to film their videos, and oli knew that nothing was going to change between them. it wasn’t like caspar was going to hate him or anything like that. nothing had to change.

caspar didn’t answer and— and caspar’s lips were against his, and oli didn’t know what the _fuck_ to do. so he just stood there like an idiot until it was over, trying to process so many things at once.

“uh, oli?”

“i— caspar, don’t, seriously,” he said, voice already shaking. “if you’re fucking with me—”

“i would never. i care about you, oli.”

like a friend, oli thought. this wasn’t real, and he fucking knew it, he knew it from the way caspar had laughed when it had been brought up in the first place. he hadn’t taken it seriously for a second, not until today, not until oli made him.

(he knew it from the taste of booze still lingering on caspar's lips.)

“caspar, can we please just talk about this later?”

caspar nodded, and after another long moment of quiet, oli got the camera ready, and they sat back down. they took another minute, after that, not speaking, trying to make it look like they were good friends, because they were, and if something was wrong, their viewers would spot it a million miles out.

“hey guys, my name is caspar lee, and i’m here today with my best friend, oli white…”

and caspar put an arm around oli’s shoulders, and oli smiled, like he was making a youtube video with his best friend, and not in love.

they did a video for oli’s channel, too, and then oli pretended he was tight on time and had an important call, which was such bullshit, and they both knew it. but if caspar could lie, he could, too, he figured, and tried not to feel guilty. caspar left, and oli didn’t have a call, and they didn’t talk about it.

**Author's Note:**

> If you've made it this far, thank you so much for reading!
> 
> Comments are very much so appreciated, even if you just wanna drop me a heart emoji or a cactus emoji or something.. Feel free to let me know if you want to see more of this kind of thing, ships you wanna see, requests, anything like that! <3
> 
> (Like legit if you drop a specific fic idea below there are quite high odds I'll write it lol)
> 
> __  
> [40\. "I wasn’t lying when I said that I loved you."](https://hellsdemonictrinity.tumblr.com/post/160523410875)  
> 


End file.
